“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Reality Check!

The kids went back to school last week, and I had the whole house just to myself for six hours every day for the first time in 17 years. Pretty amazing! So, I decided that I could probably tackle some projects. I decided my attention would first go to my own bedroom. I wanted to create a relaxing, calm environment for me to escape to and unwind.

I did it, and I was pretty excited about it! I blogged about it on my other blog, a little tongue-in-cheek (I mean, c'mon, people clean their rooms every day!), but I was celebrating my accomplishment.

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So, I guess it was time for a reality check. My husband came home after work last night with our store's delivery guy. We own a mattress outlet store, and he was here to swap out our mattress. As I sat there on the couch in the living room, watching TV surrounded by my messy home, I was so humiliated! The only thing that could have been worse is if I had been eating bonbons. I realized that although I cleaned my bedroom, every other room in my home is a disaster. Suddenly, my great accomplishment paled and seemed so trivial.

Time and again, I try to come to grips with this delightful disease. I try to be gentle to myself; I try not to get discouraged. But time and again, all I can see are the many failures piling up around me making my successes look small. Chronic fatigue syndrome means being tired -- tired every day, but also tired of failing, tired of not being able to do the smallest tasks, tired of not being able to enjoy the smallest pleasures, tired of looking bad, tired of feeling bad, tired of disappointing people.

But, tomorrow, I'm starting a new project.