“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Just Thinking ...

I woke up feeling pretty crappy today. My husband took the kids off to church, so I'm home alone with my thoughts. They have been rather strange and random, I must admit. I think they stem from lingering dreams.

Sometimes, I get caught between sleep and waking. I feel like I am being shown a deep epiphany. But, when I wake up fully, it doesn't seem to make quite as much sense as it did while I was dreaming.

Today I had an image and a thought. The image was a vast wasteland, complete and utter destruction. There was debris everywhere. It looked like a war zone or the end of the world. As far as I could see, there was nothing left. Everything was gone; everything was destroyed.

The thought I had was that there is energy inside me that I am not able to access. It is still there, I just can't reach it or tap into it or unleash it or unlock it. I can feel it during my days when I want so badly to clean my home or walk to the park or play a game with my kids. It's like that phenomenon when you've had a limb amputated and it feels like it's still there. It feels like I should still be able to do all those things. The restrictions I place on my self seem so unnatural. I'm still literally surprised when I overdo it and find I am tired. I look in the mirror, and I see the dark circles and the ashy skin and the wrinkles that chart my journey with chronic fatigue, and I am surprised.

The energy only seems to manifest itself at night, when I'm trying to fall to sleep. Then it dances all around me, taunting me, showing me it still exists, daring me to grab a hold of it. It seems to be laughing at me. I fall asleep thinking that there must be some way to harness it again. Tomorrow. When I wake up.


Renee said...

Absolutely love yuor descriptions here and they are right on. I feel the same way so often. I am thinking the energy is being blocked and kept from us right now for reasons we do not understand.
What you wrote is just so clear I really can't even add to that.
Thank you

Sue Jackson said...

Hi, Shelli -

Still trying to get caught up on blogs after vacation!

I like what you wrote here. I've had much more vivid dreams since getting CFS, but mine never seem to make any sense or hold any epiphanies! They are always filled with people I know - family (even those long-dead), friends, sometimes even people I haven't seen in 30 or 40 years!