“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Because I Believe

Another loss today ... surely this must be the last, because there doesn't seem much more to lose.

I awoke this morning to the sounds of my little ones searching the house for their Easter baskets (the Easter Bunny always hides them). I used to get up with them and watch them frantically search; this time, I lay in bed and listened. I could picture them in the kitchen when cabinet door after cabinet door slammed shut. I heard the garage door open and close. I could hear them rustling through the living room. I recognized a note of impatience and frustration as they found their brother or sister's basket but not their own. It was delightful to hear! I love such family traditions.

After baskets were found and breakfast was eaten with a rare dessert of chocolate, they scurried about getting ready for church. My girls put on their new Easter dresses and came into my room to prance in front of my full-length mirror. My boys came in to ask for help with their clip-on ties. It wasn't until they were ready to leave that they noticed I was still in bed. "Mom isn't going?" they asked, then came over and gave me a kiss on the forehead.

It wasn't until I heard the front door close and quiet fell around the house that the tears started coming. This was the first Easter that I wouldn't be sitting with my family during Easter services.

Something else this disease has taken from me. Something else I have finally let go of and surrendered to the disease. But, you know what? I know what my family will hear. It's the same story I've heard ever since I was a child. It's a story that is written on my heart. I know it, and more importantly, I believe it. I believe that Jesus Christ was resurrected, and I believe someday I will be, too. So even though today I lie in bed with a broken down body, I know that it is only temporary. Some day I'll be healthy and vibrant and complete, never to know pain or sickness again.

I can wait.


Renee said...

Oh, Shelli I feel your pain with not being able to be with your family at church and other special events too. It is a great loss that is not understood by many. But your message of knowing the story ~ of believing the message of Easter..thank you for that.
It has been a good reminder for me ~ that you will be whole and healthy again one day. We do have that to look forward to don't we.
God bless