“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Hanging on to Dear Life

Do you remember that children's game, Crack the Whip? You all hold hands, and the leader runs around, pulling everyone along. It's quite fun, unless you're the one at the end of the line. I feel like life is playing Crack the Whip with me, and I'm just trying to hold on!

I did something crazy this year. I signed my two younger boys up for soccer. In my defense, I signed them up in May, when I was feeling relatively well and expected to be feeling better by September. I didn't realize I'd be having a downturn in August that wouldn't relent for quite some time.

So, now here we are -- my boys have soccer practice Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday afternoons. We have games on Saturday. Can I just tell you how much they love it? My youngest son had never played before. He was so nervous his first day of practice! By the end of the hour, his eyes were shining and he told me, "I love it!" He is ready for practice half an hour before we have to leave. He asks me, "Is it time to go yet?" every five minutes. My older son isn't as fond of practice (because you have to run). But he loves playing in the games! He scored his first goal yesterday, and he was so proud! He is quite a natural at it -- he isn't intimidated at all, he has a good sense of the field, and he has some pretty good moves.

How could I not give them this little piece of normal childhood? Yes, it's killing me, and I don't have time for anything else (shopping? cooking? cleaning? bah, who need's them!), but I had to do it. I just had to.

I'm still working Tuesdays. My husband and I both wish I didn't have to, but there are no alternatives in sight. My husband, wonderful man, has taken on so much to ease my burdens, he is at near breaking point. If he worked my day, too, that would mean six days at work a week, plus the extra duties at home. We can't afford to hire someone else, especially when the people we've tried in the past have been so ineffective.

My oldest son was in a bike accident a couple of weeks ago. The front wheel of his bike came off, and he hit the street at relatively high speed with his face. He suffered lacerations, abrasions, a broken tooth, and a broken nose. Luckily, he was wearing sunglasses, because they were destroyed but saved him from damaging his eyes. My husband was at jury duty and I was at work the day it happened. Of course, I closed down the store and spent the day with my son in the emergency room. He looked so terrible -- we jokingly called him a zombie. I thought I was holding up pretty well for him. But, when my husband finally got back and relieved me at the hospital, I broke down completely sitting in my car in the parking lot. Boys! If they don't kill themselves, they'll kill their mothers.

I tried to go to church today, even though I knew I wasn't up to it. I love the feeling I have when I'm at church. I stopped to talk with a friend, and half way through our conversation, I was crying (I'm an emotional wreck on my bad days!). I stayed for about 15 minutes, just enough time to take the sacrament. While I was there, I saw familiar faces and the familiar routine of people going about, serving, teaching their classes, taking children to the bathroom, etc. Oh, how I miss it! I ache.

So, I'm just hanging on right now. Barely hanging on.


Renee said...

My goodness, Shelli, you have alot on your plate. How wonderful your boys can experience some great fun and fellowship with soccer. Working, being mom and wife, and dealing with extra crises along with are doing a wonderful job! Wow!
I know what you mean about church. I have not been able to go to church for years due to reactions to perfumes, etc. We drove by two yesterday on a drive we went on around town and I actually felt so sad and ached to be in a church again enjoying the fellowship, the rituals, the feel inside God's house. And of course with Joel being a pastor, church was our second home....for over 30 yrs...He misses it greatly! I totally understand what you are saying! God bless your days.

Dusty Bogwrangler said...

Keep holding on. This too will pass. . . .

Lori P said...

I second Jo. Somehow we make it through. {{{hugs}}}

me/cfs warrior said...

Thank goodness your son was okay.

It's great your boys are enjoying soccer.

Having to manage the unpredictability of this disease is no cake walk (or whatever the correct phrase is).

My heart goes out to you about what happened at Church. It sounds like being there tapped into that place of longing. I miss Church also.

Hang in there Shelli....

alyson said...

I hope you're starting to feel better. Take care of yourself, Shelli!