Being Thankful

Well, I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm afraid I've been in survivor mode lately, curled up in a figurative (and sometimes literal) fetal position. But I couldn't let Thanksgiving pass without a comment!

I love the fact that Thanksgiving comes before Christmas. Pondering the many things I'm grateful for puts me in the right frame of mind to enjoy the true spirit of Christmas. You may think that CFS has made it a little more difficult for me to be thankful, but it's really not true. If anything, it has made it easier.

CFS has given me many small blessings and one great gift. I have, throughout my life, had great burdens that I carry. Because of my faith, I do not fear death -- in fact, I have often yearned for it. I've thought how wonderful it would be to leave behind the pain and suffering of this life and return home to my Father and my Savior. At times, the only thing that has kept me here is the feeling of six pairs of small hands and one pair of large, gentle hands holding onto me like many balls and chains. Oh, I've wanted to go! But what would happen to them? I've begrudgingly stayed.

The onset of CFS has taken life away from me, little by little. And I've come to realize -- how could I have taken so much for granted? Every little morsel I can enjoy now is so sweet to me. There are a million tiny moments full of life that I never paid attention to before. A hug from my tween, a kiss on the top of my head from my big boy, cuddling on the couch with my husband, stepping outside to a warm, clear, star-filled night, waking up to blue skies and warmth, a thank you from my big girl at college, my boys climbing into bed with me, the little ways they all try to make life easier, better, happier for me.

I believe that this will someday be over. One day, I will no longer have CFS. I'll be able to engage more in life and her bountiful activities. I will be careful in what I choose to do with my precious energy. I will not waste it on things that do not bring me joy. I will not clutter my life with the unimportant. I will savor the moments. I will stay as long as God allows, and when He finally calls me home, I will leave this life with one last, fond glance over my shoulder at this beautiful adventure.

Hanging on to Dear Life

Do you remember that children's game, Crack the Whip? You all hold hands, and the leader runs around, pulling everyone along. It's quite fun, unless you're the one at the end of the line. I feel like life is playing Crack the Whip with me, and I'm just trying to hold on!

I did something crazy this year. I signed my two younger boys up for soccer. In my defense, I signed them up in May, when I was feeling relatively well and expected to be feeling better by September. I didn't realize I'd be having a downturn in August that wouldn't relent for quite some time.

So, now here we are -- my boys have soccer practice Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday afternoons. We have games on Saturday. Can I just tell you how much they love it? My youngest son had never played before. He was so nervous his first day of practice! By the end of the hour, his eyes were shining and he told me, "I love it!" He is ready for practice half an hour before we have to leave. He asks me, "Is it time to go yet?" every five minutes. My older son isn't as fond of practice (because you have to run). But he loves playing in the games! He scored his first goal yesterday, and he was so proud! He is quite a natural at it -- he isn't intimidated at all, he has a good sense of the field, and he has some pretty good moves.

How could I not give them this little piece of normal childhood? Yes, it's killing me, and I don't have time for anything else (shopping? cooking? cleaning? bah, who need's them!), but I had to do it. I just had to.

I'm still working Tuesdays. My husband and I both wish I didn't have to, but there are no alternatives in sight. My husband, wonderful man, has taken on so much to ease my burdens, he is at near breaking point. If he worked my day, too, that would mean six days at work a week, plus the extra duties at home. We can't afford to hire someone else, especially when the people we've tried in the past have been so ineffective.

My oldest son was in a bike accident a couple of weeks ago. The front wheel of his bike came off, and he hit the street at relatively high speed with his face. He suffered lacerations, abrasions, a broken tooth, and a broken nose. Luckily, he was wearing sunglasses, because they were destroyed but saved him from damaging his eyes. My husband was at jury duty and I was at work the day it happened. Of course, I closed down the store and spent the day with my son in the emergency room. He looked so terrible -- we jokingly called him a zombie. I thought I was holding up pretty well for him. But, when my husband finally got back and relieved me at the hospital, I broke down completely sitting in my car in the parking lot. Boys! If they don't kill themselves, they'll kill their mothers.

I tried to go to church today, even though I knew I wasn't up to it. I love the feeling I have when I'm at church. I stopped to talk with a friend, and half way through our conversation, I was crying (I'm an emotional wreck on my bad days!). I stayed for about 15 minutes, just enough time to take the sacrament. While I was there, I saw familiar faces and the familiar routine of people going about, serving, teaching their classes, taking children to the bathroom, etc. Oh, how I miss it! I ache.

So, I'm just hanging on right now. Barely hanging on.

ME/CFS Awareness: Hidden Blessings

Sometimes, it's so easy to see everything you are missing when you have CFS. So, in a rare moment of quiet contemplation, I came up with a few blessings I have now specifically because of CFS.

1. A clean slate. It is exactly the fact that I can't keep up with my old activities that I get to start over. Before CFS, was I doing things because I loved doing them? Because I "had" to? Because it was expected of me? Because it was habit? Because it was an escape? Now, my functional time is precious, and I have much more stringent requirements before an activity even makes the list! I am choosing to remake me.

2. Permission to say "no." There is no pressure to agree to do something that I'm asked to do. I have to be honest with myself. If it is not physically plausible, or if it crowds out something of greater value, I get to say "no!"

3. Less doing, more becoming. I like the word "becoming." It has no beginning, no end -- it's a process. With so many activities stripped away, I'm left so often alone with myself. Am I happy with what I see? What do I embrace? What do I want to change?

4. Discovering hidden strengths. Faith, strength, patience, courage. Some I knew I had; others have been a surprise. This is an amazing opportunity not only to recognize but to use those strengths.

5. Becoming creative. I've seen this in other people with CFS, too. Perhaps it's all that internalizing that taps into it; perhaps it's a need to express the upheaval of your life. Maybe it is even because you have to become creative just to enjoy life! Discovering my creativity is a fun process.

6. Ability to find joy in the tiniest things. I can't believe how much I missed before! Lying in bed, listening to my boys play together, hearing their giggles. Walking outside and feeling the sunshine on my face. Being nearly asleep, but waking when my husband reaches across and kisses me so tenderly. I never had time for these things before.

7. Relying on others. To someone who is proud and independent, this does not immediately seem a blessing! But to be on the receiving end of love and service is something that stays in your heart and is treasured forever.

8. Relying on the Lord. My strengths pale in face of this enormous challenge. I am all too aware of my weaknesses and failures. I can see the hand of the Lord comforting me, strengthening me, and making it up to the people I love when I can't be everything for them.

9. Learning, learning, learning! Emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, physically -- every day brings a new lesson, something I never knew before.

10. Gratitude deeper than I could have expected. For true friends, for good days, for knowledge and understanding, for small kindnesses, for my family, for my faith, and for a million things more.

Gardening: CFS-Style

Every year as Spring approaches, I get a sudden inexplicable desire to garden. Not just any kind of gardening -- I want a summer vegetable garden, just like I remember from my childhood. I loved the baby carrots, peas, and beans. I loved fresh corn on the cob grown and harvested from my own backyard. I loved how the zucchini took over more than its assigned mound of dirt. The watermelon was the perfect epitome of summer. And what could be better than tiny cherry tomatoes, still warm from the sun, a juicy burst of flavor in my mouth? Summer has always been my favorite time of the year, and these are the flavors of summer.

I can't say that I was an accomplished gardener before CFS. In fact, we only had a successful garden twice. Once, about seven years ago, my family and I tackled the side yard that was overgrown with weeds, some taller than the kids. My husband turned over the dirt, and I added the soil conditioners. Each child chose their own plant to grow and tend. It was a phenomenal success! We had fresh, homemade zucchini bread for months. We repeated the experiment the following year. It became quite the source of pride for us. In fact, our wonderful little garden was still going strong the day we moved to our new home.

Then, there were the normal adjustments in a new house that took my attention away from gardening. Then, the front yard needed attention and landscaping. One year, we were able to get the weeds cleared away in the side yard, but we discovered it was too hot and too late in the season to do much else. And finally, CFS hit and hit hard.

And yet, the desire to garden never went away! It was on my list of things I used to love and couldn't do any more. I mourned it. Until this year, when I decided that I was going to have my garden, dang it! I just had to get a little creative.

So, here's my garden! A ceramic container with Patio cherry tomatoes (bred specifically to grow in a pot), basil, and sage. I have two water globes so I don't have to water every day. No hoeing, no weeding, no energy to expend. My CFS garden! I am so proud of myself! I drag my kids out to "look at my garden" every couple of days. I show them the little blossoms on my tomato plant. I point out the new growth on the herbs. The teenagers roll their eyes; the little ones help me refill the water globes. And I count down the days until I have those little cherry tomatoes, still warm from the sun, to pop into my mouth.

Sweet Things

Cute things my boys said the other day:

Gabriel, age 8, was pondering the other day and told me, "You know what's weird, Mom? Even though you have chronic fatigue and are really tired all the time, you're still really nice!"

Gavin, age 7, took in some bottles to recycle for Earth Day. As a reward, they gave him a coupon for a frosty at Wendy's. He told me he was going to bring in another bag of bottles to get a coupon for me -- "Because they have chocolate, and chocolate is good for your chronic fatigue!"

Oh, I love those boys!

I Miss My Kids

I've never been the kind of mom that drops everything to play a game with her kids. It just doesn't cross my mind that they would be interested in something like that. I grew up in a family of eight kids. I was always playing/fighting with brothers and sisters, roaming the neighborhood with friends, or hiding out in my room with a book. I didn't pay much attention to what my mom was doing, but I know we were fed and clothed and loved.

About eight years ago, I started going through what I've named my "Job days" (as in Job from the Bible). We were forced to move into a tiny 1200 square foot house. I had four kids and was pregnant with number five. Number six followed soon after. My husband was going to school full time and working full time. We had very little money. An incident at school forced me into homeschooling for three years. On top of it all, I was going through an experience that sent me into a deep depression. It was all very overwhelming.

And yet, I look back now, and it was an amazing time with my kids. I was a good teacher. I remember my then 8 year old daughter getting so excited at finding spores on a fern leaf. My five year old son taught himself to read and became an avid reader. He was also amazing at math. I was creative, and we had fun.

I was also my son's Cub Scout leader back then. I remember Blue and Gold dinners, and selling cookies for a fundraiser, and making a volcano just like you see on TV, and the pinewood derby. I was so involved, and we had fun.

The charter school through which I did my homeschooling often offered field trips to wonderful places like Cold Stone Creamery, the firehouse, or the zoo. I remember packing up my six kids and double stroller and heading out alone to Sea World or the Wild Animal Park. I always felt some trepidation attempting these excursions without my husband, but we had such a wonderful time! The kids were angels -- no whining, arguing, or fighting. Just pure excitement and joy. Every time, on the way home, I would compliment them for being so good and making it so easy on me and so much fun to be with them.

When we moved, the kids went back to school, and I wasn't so completely engrossed in them anymore. But we still had fun -- trips to the snow, to amusement parks, to the beach. Those family outings were wonderful.

Now.

My husband took my kids to the snow Wednesday this week while I stayed and watched the store. I got to hear about what a wonderful time they all had. My youngest told me story after story. And I started feeling sad. I miss them. CFS has slowly but surely taken away my family outings, because I'm just not up to all day events. Or even half day events, or events longer than an hour. We went to dinner at my sister in law's the other day, and it has taken me almost two weeks to recuperate. My kids are now a lot like I was back in the day (minus the fighting, thankfully). They play together and with friends. They hover sometimes, like they would like me to do something with them, but I'm at a loss. When I didn't have a friend in the world, they were my best friends. And now, somehow, they are not.

I miss my kids.

Who knew that I would some day look back on that dark period in my life and feel gratitude and fondness for it.

A Gift from My Sister

I don't often talk about my faith on this blog, even though it is a huge part of my life and gives me the ability to cope with CFS. I worry that people will focus on this difference and be less inclined to embrace the similarities we share. But, today, I found a wonderful post on my sister's blog that I feel transcends religion and I think I just have to share it with you. The title is "Boulders and Pebbles."
"In church on Sunday, the sacrament meeting topic was adversity. I had several thoughts go through my mind as I struggled to listen. This is not an easy thing since my kids are wild animals. Anyway, as they spoke I thought of one of my favorite Scriptures. It is 2 Nephi 2:25, in the Book of Mormon. It says that "men are, that they might have joy." For years, I thought that it meant that our purpose on earth was to be happy. Then a while ago I read it in context with the whole chapter and I realized that our purpose was to have opposition in all things. That in order to have joy, we must have misery. It really struck me that our sufferings are a show of love, as much as our blessings. They both are there to help us feel joy more fully and more importantly, to learn and become more like our Father in Heaven.

"Bro. Chong, the last speaker, had a great object lesson to go with the topic. He said that when you hold a pebble right up in front of your eye, it looks like a boulder. As you pull it back, it comes into perspective and you can see it for the small pebble it is. I realized that so many of my trials in life have been like that. As I am going through the trials, they seem overwhelming and insurmountable. Then, looking back, after they are over, they seem like they were simply another bump in life. Usually a bump to help me prepare for the next bump. Unfortunately, like the pebble, it takes distance to usually get the whole perspective. Next time I am in a rough spot, I am going to try and remember this. I will keep telling myself, this is just a pebble! Maybe when it is all said and done, I will make a mosaic."


This is my goal -- to take the best (if not the easiest and most pleasant) parts of my life and create something beautiful and amazing.

Good Things

On this last day of January, I am here to celebrate good things!

First, my circling shark turned out to be more of a goldfish. With sharp teeth, I mean. It had a little bite, but it wasn't nearly as dangerous as I had feared. I took things easy, I was gentle with myself, and I bounced back surprisingly quickly. Yay!

Second, I actually hit a lot of my goals! I added a few good links and two actual pages to my website. I cleaned it up a bit and tweaked my key words. Plus, I have tons of good ideas to work with, and I'm feeling motivated to work on it. I checked my stats, and it looks like traffic is picking up! It's very exciting.

Third, I completed enough research to actually START MY NOVEL! Yes, I put pen to paper and actually began to write. I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to share it with anyone, though, not even my husband. I'm feeling a little protective of it, and I can't handle any criticism. I believe the fear would stifle my voice, and I wouldn't be able to write effectively. That's hard, though, because another part of me is yelling, "Look at me! Look what I've done! Validate me!" I think I'll let the fear win out this one time.

Fourth, I've added tons of good recipes to my recipe blog. I feel like I'm getting a good variety of meals that seem to be really easy to fix. I can't wait to try them all.

Fifth, I'm taking good care of myself right now! I'm pacing. I've skipped a lot of TV at night, so I'm getting to bed at a reasonable time. I've done three weeks of menus from my recipe blog, so we've had a lot less processed or fast food. I've kept up on yoga, and I've really enjoyed my belly dancing! I seriously haven't lost any weight, but I haven't gained any, either. And I feel good! That's the ultimate goal, anyway, right?

Ah, yes, challenges await, but for the moment, I'm basking in the warmth of good things!

My Love/Hate Relationship with Christmas

I love finding just the right gift for the people I love!

I hate fighting the increasingly rude crowds for the best holiday deals.

I love all the lights and decorations!

I hate the energy it takes to put them all up and take them all down. I also hate the feeling that I need my house CLEAN so I can enjoy the decorations.

I love all the Christmas goodies! I even love baking cookies for the whole neighborhood.

I hate taking on the task solo. It looms large before I get to it, and I have too much anticipatory fear.

I love our church Christmas party and the kids cute Christmas programs!

For about the first 15 minutes.

I love Christmas music! I love discovering new and unusual songs and artists.

Nothing to hate here!

I love spending time with my extended family! It is so cute to watch the cousins get together -- it's like a cross between best friends and siblings, only better.

I hate fading half way through the fun and feeling wiped out days later.

I love reading our favorite Christmas stories!

I hate it when the kids are goofy and annoying right as I'm starting to get weepy.

I love inward, spiritual thoughts and quiet times to reflect. I love reminders of my blessings. I love feeling I have an abundant life. I love moments of joy.

Gratitude Project Day 6

Good things that happened yesterday:

1. We put a Christmas tree up at the store because my son was willing to help me do the hard part.

2. My living room got cleaned because the kids wanted to decorate.

3. We decorated for Christmas because everyone was happy to help.

4. I finished my book because I recognized I was wiped out and needed to chill.

5. I lasted a little longer in spite of the extra effort today because I'm starting to feel better again!

Gratitude Project Day 5

Good things that happened to me yesterday:

1. I got some great deals on Christmas presents because I know which stores still have good stuff after 10:00 am on Black Friday.

2. I bought some fluffy new spa towels for myself because they were a great deal and I deserve them!

3. I cleaned my living room because I am eager to start decorating for Christmas, and I amazingly still had a little energy left after shopping!

4. I didn't have to cook because we still had abundant Thanksgiving leftovers.

5. I had a good conversation with my teenagers because my husband and I weren't afraid to confront issues head on.

6. I enjoyed my husband last night because we allowed ourselves to be spontaneous.

Gratitude Project Day 4

Good things that happened today:

1. I had a good yoga workout because I knew I needed a head start staving off the feast calories.

2. I finished cooking right on time because I planned it properly.

3. We had dinner at my mom's house, because she is generous and loves tradition.

4. I enjoyed watching the kids play together because cousins love each other so much.

5. I had a small piece of both cheesecake and pumpkin pie because I didn't overeat during dinner.

6. We listened to great music from my favorite radio station that we can only get when we're in San Diego because we were lucky!

7. I had great conversation with my husband during the trip there and back because he's so easy to talk to.

8. I had a good conversation with my sister because I initiated the phone call.

Joy

Today I am taking a break from CFS and just enjoying the beauty of my life! I invite you to do the same -- let go of your worries (because I know you have them, and I know they are significant), and let yourself find joy in the moment.

http://thejoymovie.com/

Gratitude Project Day 3

Good things that happened today:

1. I noticed how beautiful the air smelled so fresh after the rain this morning because I was up early today.

2. I made two killer sales at the store today because I was happy and upbeat.

3. I enjoyed my son's birthday dinner with our whole family because they are such good kids, even in a sit down restaurant.

4. I got to snuggle with my husband this evening because I was being nice to him!

5. I get to go to bed and read a couple of extra minutes because I can sleep in tomorrow!

Gratitude Project Day 2

Good things that happened today:

1. I had a good yoga day because I was willing to push myself just a little.

2. I started the day with happy tears because I remembered my daily devotional.

3. I got back on track and had a good massage because I was willing to make time for me.

4. I finished two more loads of laundry because towels are easy to fold.

5. I bought myself some flowers because I like to have beauty in my home.

6. I'm going to bed right now because I'm listening to my body tell me I'm done!

Gratitude Project Day 1

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to reflect on the things that make you happy. With CFS, it is so easy to see the cup as half empty, or even almost completely empty, when in reality "my cup runneth over."

So, for this week, I am going to focus on the positive. I'm not just listing things I'm thankful for, but I'm going to mention the good things that happen and why they happened. Maybe this is a good time to start a gratitude journal, too, to keep my perspective moving in a more joyful direction.

1. I was able to sleep in this morning because my husband made sure no one bothered me.

2. I finished two loads of laundry because I tackled the task before I became side tracked by "fun things."

3. I read an inspiring article about learning from your trials because I took the time for my daily devotional this morning.

4. I splurged on See's chocolates today because I allowed myself to believe I deserve it!

5. I made a delicious chicken dinner tonight because it was super easy to do and I already had the ingredients on hand.

And right now,

6. I'm going to watch "Willie Wonka" with my boys, because they asked me and I'm actually going to move away from the computer and spend time with them!