“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Friday, November 27, 2009

Being Thankful

Well, I haven't been blogging much lately. I'm afraid I've been in survivor mode lately, curled up in a figurative (and sometimes literal) fetal position. But I couldn't let Thanksgiving pass without a comment!

I love the fact that Thanksgiving comes before Christmas. Pondering the many things I'm grateful for puts me in the right frame of mind to enjoy the true spirit of Christmas. You may think that CFS has made it a little more difficult for me to be thankful, but it's really not true. If anything, it has made it easier.

CFS has given me many small blessings and one great gift. I have, throughout my life, had great burdens that I carry. Because of my faith, I do not fear death -- in fact, I have often yearned for it. I've thought how wonderful it would be to leave behind the pain and suffering of this life and return home to my Father and my Savior. At times, the only thing that has kept me here is the feeling of six pairs of small hands and one pair of large, gentle hands holding onto me like many balls and chains. Oh, I've wanted to go! But what would happen to them? I've begrudgingly stayed.

The onset of CFS has taken life away from me, little by little. And I've come to realize -- how could I have taken so much for granted? Every little morsel I can enjoy now is so sweet to me. There are a million tiny moments full of life that I never paid attention to before. A hug from my tween, a kiss on the top of my head from my big boy, cuddling on the couch with my husband, stepping outside to a warm, clear, star-filled night, waking up to blue skies and warmth, a thank you from my big girl at college, my boys climbing into bed with me, the little ways they all try to make life easier, better, happier for me.

I believe that this will someday be over. One day, I will no longer have CFS. I'll be able to engage more in life and her bountiful activities. I will be careful in what I choose to do with my precious energy. I will not waste it on things that do not bring me joy. I will not clutter my life with the unimportant. I will savor the moments. I will stay as long as God allows, and when He finally calls me home, I will leave this life with one last, fond glance over my shoulder at this beautiful adventure.


Dusty Bogwrangler said...

Thank you for this poetically beautiful post. Good to see you on the 'dashboard' this morning.

Treya said...

This was a lovely post Shelli. I hope you start to feel a bit stronger for Christmas. I would imagine this is a very "active" time in your house...

Renee said...

This is such a beautifully written post, Shelli. As usual, I have found a teachable moment here for myself.
God bless.

Sue Jackson said...

Well said, Shelli. I agree completely - I'm much more grateful now than before CFS simply because I'm so much more aware of all the little things. Before CFS, I was often moving too fast to even notice what was going on around me!

I wish I shared your optimism that this will someday be behind me, though the new XMRV research has renewed my hope. I do believe I can improve.

Meanwhile, I will try to remember to be grateful for what I have. Hope you had a good Thanksgiving!