I don't give in to it often. Just once in awhile, there is a splinter, then a crack, finally a crashing down of the weight of the enormity of this disease. It catches me by surprise. I let myself cry, great wracking sobs if no one is around. It lasts about half an hour, I suppose.
The funny thing is, it doesn't change anything. Just like hope, despair is impotent to change anything about the way I live my life. I still shower and make my bed. I do some yoga. I eat a healthy salad for lunch. I take my supplements and try a new protocol. I nag my son about homework. I go to bed at a reasonable hour.
I do my best with what I've got, because really, is there any other way?
Tomorrow is always a better day.
Abundance
“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend." - Sarah Ban Breathnach
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Despair
Posted by Shelli at 10:56 AM
Labels: CFS, chronic fatigue, chronic illness, grieving, life with CFS, living with CFS
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9 comments:
Hi Shelli
I am relating totally to your feelings of despair,as I had a meltdown yesterday relating to secondary health issues. So true, despair does not change things. Sometimes we need that release so we can pick ourselves back up and move forward again.
Wishing you a better day tomorrow!
Hi Shelli
I am relating totally to your feelings of despair,as I had a meltdown yesterday relating to secondary health issues. So true, despair does not change things. Sometimes we need that release so we can pick ourselves back up and move forward again.
Wishing you a better day tomorrow!
Hi Shelli,
You're so right about not always fighting off despair. I call it a meltdown. Like you, I sob for a while, and then finish my day.
Thanks for writing about it so eloquently.
I once had a therapist who said he saw it as a victory when someone cries. So often I bottle it up and soldier on. Sometimes though, tears come unbidden and there is absolutely nothing to do except surrender to them. Blessed release. Thanks for this poetic post.
Shelli,
I don't suffer in any way like you do, but when I feel the need, I just let it out. When Jessie was at her lowest physical state, she'd do the same and at least get it out of her system. Things don't change, but most of the time I feel better after having a good, sobbing cry. I hope you're making your way out of despair. A prayer was just sent up for you. {{{}}}
It's so heartening to read how everyone can relate to these emotional meltdown moments. I get them too, and so often they sneak up on me... I can read something, watch or hear something, see something or be telling someone about my ME/CFS...and, wham, I'm in tears! I suddenly am overwhelmed by what I've lost, or where my life has ended up so unexpectedly... And then I gather myself up and I move on.
Sending you strength to carry on.
Oh, Shelli, I'm so sorry you've experienced a bout of despair. It happens to all of us, one time or another. I have found that sometimes it's even biochemical - I often get severely depressed just before a huge crash.
You said exactly what I say to myself when I've had one of those days...tomorrow will be a better day. Also my favorite coping quote:
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."
And, I respectfully disagree with you...I think hope DOES change things. Feeling hopeful is a positive force that can reduce stress and help our bodies and minds to better cope with our daily challenges. You might like a wonderful book called, "The Anatomy of Hope."
Tomorrow will be a better day. You are not alone.
Sue
I, too, could identify. The holidays did it to me....that and the eye problem that still lingers. It all just closed in on me, but I guess I needed that since once I got it out I did feel better emotionally.
Very helpful post!
Hi Shelli, thank you for sharing this post. You expressed the feeling of despair so well. I can relate. I had my own meltdown last week.
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