“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Monday, August 11, 2008

Paying The Price

I knew I would be pushing it Saturday... but it was worth it, right? I know I've reached my limit when I'm so tired I feel like I have to puke and I can't keep from crying. I remember one 4th of July when Kyara was about three years old. We had spent all day at the beach and then stayed for fireworks. When it was all over, we had to gather all our belongings -- towels, blankets, chairs, toys -- and make the trek back to our parked car. Poor Kyara was so exhausted, but our arms were full, so she had to walk! Of course, she cried the whole way there. My mom, a wonderful woman but not fond of crying as a grandmother, tried to get her to stop by telling her not to be a crybaby. I was so mad! I told her, "She's just a little girl, and she's exhausted past her limits! She's not a crybaby, she's doing just fine!"

Well, I'm not a little girl, but I sure feel like one! I am definitely exhausted beyond my limits, but I'm not doing just fine! And today is our last day to go to the beach this summer, so there's no rest today. Tomorrow, Kyara is scheduled to take her driver's license test in Riverside, so there's no rest tomorrow. I also have back to school looming and our new business to help with. I panic when I don't see any rest on the horizon. I'm going to have to go into survival mode for a little while, which no one likes, but I don't see a way around it. Take care of what absolutely has to be done, and float like a zombie around the house the rest of the time. Bed at 9:00 pm, no matter what Michael Phelps happens to be doing later than that. Withstand the whining, the demands, the eye-rolling, the accusations that I'm not doing enough. Forgive myself daily... hourly... minute by minute.