“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Delusionary Me

For the last couple of days, I've been wondering -- how do you fight an illness that nobody believes is real? Sometimes, it feels like I'm just being humored. They'll play along with my delusion for awhile, but then they seem to lose patience. Like, when my disease gets in the way of what they would like me to do. I can feel their eyes rolling. But if I ask about it, I get, "No, no, we believe you!"

I would like to pace myself. I would like to determine what I will and will not do. I would like to have rest periods that are respected. I would like to decide what is important to me. I would like to follow the path that I believe will lead to healing. I would like to do it on my own time schedule.

It would be a lot easier if there were people in my life who lifted the burden and filled in the blanks instead of waiting for me to get around to it. It takes a lot of energy to defy people you care about, even at my ripe old age. Sometimes, it's enough to make me doubt myself again. Am I crazy?

Do they have to believe, or is it enough that they love me?


Sue Jackson said...

It takes awhile for the people around you (and you, too!) to adjust to a "new normal." I found my husband and kids understood pretty early because they lived with me (though it took me a full year to get diagnosed, so we were all waiting for me to get better at first). Other family members, though, have taken YEARS to really "get it" (and some of them still don't). Sometimes, as with my Mom, it's a form of denial - it's just too painful to think that someone you love could have a terrible illness that (so far) has no cure. She understands now, but it took years. Meanwhile. be sure to set limits for yourself and make sure your family and friends understand what those are. I take a nap EVERY day after lunch, and my family knows that is as much a part of my day as meals. I learned long ago that preventative rest works better than overdoing and then taking days to recover (though I still overdo!). Hang in there -