“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Monday, February 9, 2009

Lucky Russ

I know I'm not like normal people.

My sister in law called the other day. The father of our brother in law was in the hospital. Although we knew he had health problems, when he went in this last time, they found cancer. With the complications of his other health conditions, he wasn't expected to live very long. My sister in law was asking for the fasting and prayers of our family -- "You never know," she said. "Miracles can happen." I offered my sympathies and promised our faith and prayers, and then I hung up the phone.

I thought, "Lucky Russ."

This isn't something I say out loud, ever. Normal people really don't understand. But, I'm just not afraid of death. I think it helps that I have deep religious convictions. I believe in life after death; I believe that when good people die, they enter a state of peace, joy and rest. I believe that you get to be reunited with loved ones. Death is not terrible for the one who dies, only for those left behind to mourn.

But, even if it turns out that somehow I was duped and all those long-held convictions aren't true -- that you die and then poof! cease to exist -- I'm ok with that, too.

Living life is HARD. And I have to admit, it got a lot harder when I was hit with CFS. All those responsibilities still on my shoulders. All those people with sky high expectations. The same people I let down regularly. I brought six beautiful babies into the world, believing I was a good mom and would raise them to be movers and shakers and changers of worlds. Now I work so hard just to be a decent mom, someone who doesn't screw her kids up so badly that they have stumbling blocks to their potential.

Now, before you panic, I'm not at the point where I would actually consider taking my life. I've been there before, long before I had CFS, and I survived that. Maybe that's why I'm usually able to approach my trials largely optimistic. Even CFS isn't as bad as that time in my life. And I recognize that there is an element of ingratitude in this -- I know I am abundantly blessed, and my life is very, very good. But I also know that God understands and forgives me, because I am a good and loving person, and I do the very best I can.

Still. Lucky Russ.