When will I learn? How many years have I been going through this? How many times have I TRIED to push through, only to crumple into a ball of tears, going home with my tail between my legs?
I knew it was a bad week for me. But, I got a phone call on Thursday asking if I could teach a Sunday School class for a friend who was going out of town. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Of course, I couldn't say "no", even though I KNEW I shouldn't be doing this. I was hoping against hope that I'd be better by today.
The alarm went off this morning, and I could not get out of bed. I watched my family get ready for church, feeling tremendous guilt that I was not joining them. I didn't even do anything to help in the chaos. I thought I could skip the first part of church and show up just in time to teach the class. After my family left, I finally got in the shower. All the signs were there -- this was not a good day! Nonetheless, I put a nice skirt on, blow dried my hair, put on some make-up, and headed out the door.
I arrived just a couple of minutes early. I went to tell Anna I was covering for Suzie today -- and she had to ask, "How are you feeling today?" Off went the water works! I tried to tell her I thought I could make it through the class, but she gave me a hug, took my materials, and gave them to someone else to cover. I'm home now, feeling silly, and berating myself for once again NOT LISTENING!!!
Dang! When am I going to get a handle on this?
Abundance
“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend." - Sarah Ban Breathnach
Sunday, February 15, 2009
When Will I Learn?
Posted by Shelli at 10:41 AM
Labels: CFS, chronic fatigue, church, crash, life with CFS, living with CFS, pacing, trials
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6 comments:
So sorry...... so understand.....
I still ask myself the same questions and I am homebound but find ways to push.....it gets easier to say no and say yes to our body's needs...it really does!
Just done it! Not quite on your scale but I've skipped a rest and gone all hyper. I shall pay tomorrow.
It's so hard, isn't it, to stay on the sidelines and miss out on the life we used to live. Pushing through is my way of putting two fingers up at this illness, but it generally backfires.
Hope you have an easier week.
I agree with Renee, it's an acquired wisdom with this illness. We have to learn to put ourselves first which I think is so hard for women to do. It's in our nature to give give give..
Don't be hard on yourself!
I'm glad to know it's not just me - sometimes I think I can "power" through and always pay for it later -- it's a learning curve, that's for sure! I'm looking forward to the time when it gets easier!
Shelli -
Sorry you had such a rough day (week?) and were forced to give in to CFS again. It's a lesson we all keep learning over and over....though, as the years pass, you do get better at knowing your limits (but you still don't always listen to that little voice!). It's hard to learn how to say no after years of doing so much, but it does get easier with time, plus the people around you become more accustomed to your limits as well.
I hope this week has been better for you.
Sue
It happens to all of us... It takes a while to learn that saying "no" is OK. I've learned to nap every day, to turn off the phone when I need to, and to avoid draining situations. It's been 8 years for me, and I have finally found my "happy place". Hope you're having a better day :)
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