“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Thursday, August 13, 2009

To Be, or Not To Be ...

I'm mad. Really, freaking mad. I know it is not uncommon for people with CFS to feel anger. I know it is one of the stages of grief, and we have, indeed suffered such a great loss. But I thought I was passed that. I didn't expect it to sneak up on me again.

My husband and I were planning on taking the kids to see "Up" at our local theater this weekend. Today, he calls and tells me that we need to go tonight, because it looks like it will no longer be playing by this weekend.

I worked yesterday. Also, my 7 year old son came into bed with us in the middle of the night last night because he was feeling sick and couldn't get to sleep. It took three hours of scratching his back, smoothing his forehead, chatting a little, and snuggling before he finally fell asleep. Today is supposed to be the day that I stay home, take it easy and recuperate.

Do I go with my family, or let them go without me?

So, I guess the question isn't really "To be, or not to be" (no need for suicide hotlines at this point, but thanks for the thought!), it is "To be, or not to be ... what?" What do I choose to be?

Are you like me? Do you have this intuition that tells you exactly what you need to do to recover? I've put all the pieces in place -- proper sleep, proper nutrition, supplementation, rest periods. Pacing. I know that the only thing left for me to do is to always keep within my energy boundaries. No more boom-bust. No more push-crash. No more two steps forward, one (or two or three) steps back. I just need to always stay within my energy boundaries.

What do I choose to be? An invalid, or a wife and mother and business owner? Do I really have a choice? I don't think so. I am a wife, a mother, and a business owner. So, becoming healthy again isn't really an option.

And I'm mad.


Dusty Bogwrangler said...

Oh, so with you on this one. I've been so angry with my condition this week. It's so darn limiting. I suppose the anger is part of acceptance which is a continual process.

Much sympathy. Altogether now - one, two, three . . . gaaahhhhh!

Unknown said...

I completely understand and there really is no choice .... aarrggh!

Hang in there! I'm believing in some better days ahead for you :)

Renee said...

I have been there myself so often. Angry at the limitations set before me and so tired of all the losses in my life AND the lives of those I love.
Sending gentle hugs your way for better days.

I AM ROSE said...

All to familiar here.
Prayers and hugs for you and your family.
In Love.